


Driving Sideways

by roebling



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Anger, B.A.P Hiatus, Canon Compliant, Feelings, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2550551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roebling/pseuds/roebling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Youngjae doesn't need a break, and he sure as hell doesn't want one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Driving Sideways

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS NOT AN ESPECIALLY HAPPY STORY SO IF YOU WANT WARM FUZZY HAPPY B.A.P TIMES GO AWAY. 
> 
> THIS WAS WRITTEN ENTIRELY TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER AND I DON'T IN ANY WAY THINK IT'S REALLY WHAT HAPPENED. I've been kind of frustrated by the reaction to B.A.P's hiatus, and I just wanted to explore my own feelings about the issue (via Yoo Youngjae ...). I love all the boys and I think they are all deserving of a rest, but I do think that things could have been handled better. I'd be glad to talk more about this, in a rational, intellectual way :) 
> 
> Thanks to [Michelleisat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/michelleisat) for inspiring this, even if she didn't know it, and [J](http://archiveofourown.org/users/suitofarmour/) for being the best.

A thousand and one days, and the only news they've got is bad. On Twitter, fan are on high alert. Conspiracy theories abound. Youngjae turns off his phone and rolls over, face to the wall. He doesn't know what to do.

Daehyun is tired. Himchan is tired. Yongguk is tired. Youngjae is tired too, truth be told, but the thought of doing nothing scares him more than the thought of exhaustion. Three years, and what do they have to show? His vote is to keep working as hard as they can until they finally make it big; but they're a team and they'll stay a team, so Yongguk is asking the company if they can take a break.

*****

They reach an agreement with TS at the last minute.

Youngjae sits on his bed in his room, reading the news on his phone. His suitcase is open on the floor, and clothes hang over the edges like they are trying to crawl back into a sinking ship -- or make their escape, perhaps.

There's a knock on the door. Himchan doesn't wait for him to reply.

"We're going to Beijing," he says.

Youngjae blinks. "And?"

"They were pissed at me." He is pale and looks tired. He and Yongguk left early that morning for a meeting at the company building. "They said I was in breach of my contract and they could kick me out if they wanted.”

Youngjae doesn't say anything but his stomach aches, full of sharp pains and needles.

Himchan makes a small, annoyed sound when Youngjae doesn’t respond. "We’re going to Beijing and then we're going to take a little break."

Those needles in Youngjae's stomach jab harder.

"They agreed."

Himchan nods. "They didn't really have much choice. Yongguk told them we were going home, whether they liked it or not."

*****

Another airport. Fans crowding around, pushing letters and giftbags into their hands.  
Everyone is in a foul mood for one reason or another. Daehyun has a mask on and won't meet anyone's gaze. Youngjae doesn't feel like smiling.

It's been a long time since the novelty of this wore off, but Youngjae doesn't usually mind it. There's something he find comforting about the routine, orderly precision of it. Take off your shoes. Take off your belt. Empty your pockets. Follow the rules, pass through the gate, and on the other side you're in the never-never land of the international departures terminal.

It's always a relief.

Out of sight of the fans, they sit in the uncomfortable plastic chairs, each person leaving one or two spaces between themselves and the next. Junhong and Jongup, least at fault for the stormy mood and least affected by it, go to buy food, always an airport treat. Himchan is on his phone and Yongguk is listening to music. Manager hyung is ignoring them, struggling to stay impartial in a battle he didn't ask for and can't resolve.

Daehyun is reading fan letters. His mask hangs around his neck, and he is frowning.

"What's wrong with you?" Youngjae asks.

"They're all so worried," Daehyun says.

Youngjae rolls his eyes. "Then you shouldn't go around posting stuff to make them worry."

Daehyun gives him a dirty look. "I'm not going to lie to them."

Omission isn't lying, Youngjae wants to say, but he knows there's no point. Daehyun can't keep anything back from the fans, and Youngjae's not sure he would if he could. Self restraint isn't his strong point.

So, instead he says, "Everything will be fine. They're going to be fine once they see us on stage."

"Yeah," Daehyun says quietly. Then, louder, "Yeah. As long as we don't fuck up again this time."

Right. That's been more than half of Daehyun's problem. 'Inadequate working conditions' is how Yongguk hyung puts it. Youngjae understands Daehyun's frustration. It’s not fun trying to perform when your mic doesn’t work, but he doesn’t think the fans blame _them_. Of course, maybe he'd feel frustration more keenly if had as many lines as Daehyun did --

No point in going there. Now now.

"It will be fine," he says.

"I hope so," Daehyun says, frowning down at the letter -- pink writing on Choo Choo stationary. "I really hope so."

*****

He remembers when Daehyun _broke_. That's the only word Youngjae has for it. The frustrating had been building for a long time. Himchan bailed out on them and they weren't prepared to cover his absence. The sound equipment malfunctioned. The in-ears didn't work, and Daehyun's mic went out. The atmosphere on the stage was cold, and the fans must have been able to tell, and that was all the last straw.

Afterwards, Daehyun tweeted an apology to the fans -- doing the work that should have been done by the managers, but he woudln’t stand for them being left in the dark. Youngjae sat next to him in the van and watched his fingers shake as he typed up his tweet.

"It's not that big of a deal," Youngjae said. He's a little angry at Himchan, and confused, and scared.

Yongguk hasn't said anything, and Youngjae wishes he would.

"It's a big deal," Daehyun says. "How are we supposed to perform like that? Why didn't they just give Himchan permission weeks ago? What's the point of working until we're all sick if we can't even do our jobs?"

Youngjae closes his eyes. He agrees, but -- "It was just a bad day. Unlucky the equipment didn't work. Himchan could have told his sister he couldn't make it or --"

"No," Daehyun interrupts. "Shut up, Youngjae. He shouldn’t have to give everything up. That's _bullshit_. "

“I know that,” Youngjae says slowly. 

Daehyun doesn't usually curse.

"It's not fair. I’m sick of their excuses. ‘One more tour, one more show, one more ..’" There's a miserable whine in his voice. "I’m sick of pretending it’s okay. I’m just sick of it, Youngjae. I want ... I want to go home."

Youngjae doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. When they get back to the dorm, Daehyun goes in the bathroom that he uses by himself. Youngjae listens, but the noise of the shower drowns out anything else there might be to hear.

*****

Five days later they're in the airport again, but the mood is different. The tour has been canceled and blame has been assigned. Youngjae is in a bad mood, but he's glad to be traveling. He likes this feeling -- having two plane tickets tucked in his passport, having a clear objective of where to go and what's coming up next. With the South American tour canceled and the Japanese album canceled, the calendar stretches out blank ahead of him, empty and pointless, but first, there’s Mexico. 

He's wearing a hat and it won't sit right. Stupid hat. He wears it because okay, he knows his hair is a little thin, and it's usually easier to worry about the hat then worry about his bald spot showing up in fan-taken pictures.

It's not a problem, exactly, but it's not ideal. It's just one of many less than ideal things he can't do anything about: his hair, his looks, the fact that he’s not talented enough to make it on his own … 

"Come here," Junhong says.

He's so tall now. He's had his birthday, and he's an adult. Out of all of them, Youngjae feels worst for Junhong. He's the youngest and he works so hard and he's willing to put up with nearly anything. He never complains, even when he's so tired he looks like he might fall asleep on his feet.

Junhong wants it that badly, though, and he is talented enough to get it, if he works hard enough.

He brushes Youngjae's bangs out of his face and resettles his hat.

"There," he says. “Looking sharp, hyung.” 

"Thanks Junhong," Youngjae says. “You’re awesome.” 

*****

A year ago, in a hotel, when possibilities still seemed endless, and all that other crap --

"What would you be doing right now, if we weren't, you know ..."

Youngjae doesn't hesitate. He's thought about this a lot. "Serving in the army."

"Really?" Daehyun looks over at him, eyebrows knit and nose wrinkled. "Why?"

"My hyung says that the best time to do it is after two years of university," Youngjae says.

When he was a kid, Youngwon's stories about college and army life were Youngjae’s favorite. When his brother came home for the weekend he begged and begged for all the lurid details of adult life. 

Daehyun doesn't say anything. He doesn't talk about his own brothers that much, although Youngjae knows they're old enough to have completed their own army service.

"What would you be doing?" he asks, finally.

Daehyun shrugs. "I don't know," he says. "I've never wanted to do anything but this. This is it, for me"

It feels like a gotcha -- of course Daehyun’s answer is the right one -- but Youngjae knows that's not how Daehyun is. He doesn’t mean it. 

*****

He turns on his phone when they get to the airport in Mexico and he has five missed calls, all from his mother. He doesn't know what time it is here, or what time it is back in Seoul. She hasn’t left any messages.

His heart tightens up.

They try not to make international calls, but ...

The phone rings three time before she picks up. "It's your brother," she says.

The gummed up clockwork in his chest seizes. Daehyun stares at him. Youngjae doesn't know what his expression must be like for Daehyun to stare like that.

"He broke his ankle."

Slowly, Youngjae’s heart starts to pump again.

"Mom, geeze. He hurt his ankle? I thought something --"

"He's going to be in the hospital for a little while, Youngjae. I wanted to let you know. I know how close the two of you are."

"Oh," Youngjae says. The hospital. That sounds serious. His brother is really hurt. 

He's exhausted and he's far far away and nothing is making sense right now. They're going to go on stage tomorrow -- he's even performing a special stage, in Spanish, with Sunggyu and Yoseob -- and it's going to be amazing. But this is the last performance now for a long, long time, and Hyung is in the hospital and ...

"I'll call him," he tells his mother, keeping his voice steady.

"He'd really like that," she says. "Love you sweetheart."

She knows he has to keep calls short.

When they're on the way to the hotel, Daehyun asks, "What was that about?"

"My brother hurt his ankle. He has a cast and everything."

"I always wanted a cast when I was a kid," Daehyun says enviously. "What happened?"

Youngjae blinks. He hadn't thought to ask.

*****

The performance in Mexico goes well, as long as Youngjae ignores the feeling in the pit of his stomach that this is some kind of curtain call. He's excited to perform with two seniors who are respected vocalists. The fans cheer loudly for him, and he doesn't embarrass himself or anything.

That's something.

*****

" -- going to make me maeuntang and buddaejjigae. Her buddaejjigae is the best! Maybe my hyungs will me fishing, and I'm gonna sleep so late every day --"

"Hyung," Jongup says, "you don't even like to sleep in."

"I'm going to," Daehyun says. "I'm going to sleep so much that when we get back I'll never be tired again." He grins. He is delighted, like a little kid on the last day of school before summer vacation. Hot and cold. 

Good for Daehyun, Youngjae thinks. Good for you. He just feels bad -- bad for all the staff whose hard work is going to waste now, and bad for the disappointed fans, and worried about his hyung too, even though Youngwon has been texting him non stop.

(' _The hospital is sooooo boring. Take some pictures of the hot girls at Carnival for me._ ' ' _That's Brazil ... and in February_.')

Mostly, he feels bad about himself. Bad that he is angry about this. Bad that he would begrudge Daehyun the break he needs so desperately. Bad he wishes he were the popular, talented one, so that even if they were on break he could do something on his own. 

But he’s not. 

"We're all going to sleep that much," Himchan says, leaning across the aisle. "and come back rested and happy and cheerful as flowers."

Jongup wrinkles his nose. “Maybe you’ll be a flower,” he says. 

“What are you going to be, hyung?” Junhong asks. 

Jongup makes a thoughtful face. “A toadstool,” he says. 

Everyone bursts out laughing. 

“That one’s going in the Jongup book of quotes,” Himchan says, grinning. 

Youngjae reaches down to get his headphones out of his bag. 

*****

"I'll fold that for you if you want," Daehyun says.

Tomorrow he’s leaving for Busan for a few weeks of rest and relaxation -- whatever that means.

This afternoon, Youngwon is getting out of the hospital. Youngjae is going to stay with him for a while, to help him until his ankle is better.

It's not like he has anything else to do. The timing worked out just right. 

"It's okay," he says, stuffing another pair of jeans in. "I'm not going far. It's just a couple subway stops."

"You're taking the subway?" Daehyun frowns. "With your bag and stuff?"

Youngjae shakes his head. "No, Manager hyung is going to drop me off." 

There's a window at the far end of Youngjae's little room (all his own, but not much more than a closet). The blind is drawn, though, and it's dark.

"Oh," says Daehyun. "How's your brother feeling?"

"Good," Youngjae says. "He's glad to be going home, and I think he's excited about getting to order me around."

Daehyun grins. "Doesn't he do that anyway?"

Youngjae throws a sock at him. Daehyun grabs its pair from the floor and rolls them into a ball, one inside the other. He grabs a tee shirt and folds that too, nervously.

"It's gonna be really awesome to have a break" He's talking too quickly. "Maybe they'll come up with some appearances for us or something. And you'll be here so you can come to the studio and practice whenever you want and ..." He stops and reaches for another shirt. "You're glad we get time off, right, Youngjae?" 

Youngjae closes his eyes and thinks about when he was a kid and how he wanted to be a singer who changed the world with his music. He's gotten farther than most people could even dream of, but he hasn't gotten very far at all.

And now they're taking a break so they can go home and rest. 

Youngjae feels like he can't do anything at all.

Daehyun is waiting for his answer, nervous and unhappy. He knows how Youngjae feels. He's a little oblivious, but he’s known all along that this isn’t want Youngjae wants. He's asking for Youngjae's reassurance anyway.

Youngjae swallows. "Sure," he says. "Everyone needs a break."


End file.
